I was inspired by my amazing friend Christian Webb and the recent Mental Health Awareness through out the country, to finally put pen to paper and talk about this. I don’t want sympathy and I don’t want people to pity me, I’m solely writing this in hope that someone may be inspired by me, like I was by Christian, and are able to get the help needed.
Let’s be honest. 5 or 6 years ago I was probably one of the many individuals who contributed to the stigma that is of Mental Health and just thought people who were suffering were ‘weird’ or needed to just ‘cheer up’. (Please don’t hate me) but having finally spoken to and with people who have been suffering and, experienced it first hand, my attitude changed completely, but I still felt invincible and thought it would never affect me.
Around 18 months ago when I moved to Scotland – things were tough. I’d recently lost my Gramps, of course I missed Wales, was starting a new job, living with Kyle and trying to build a life in Scotland. But I was coping. Overtime, I started to notice a unsettling tightness in my stomach (like a big knot getting tighter and tighter as well as the often heart palpitation. I put it down to starting a new job and being in a new place . “I couldn’t be feeling anxious ?! I loved my job and was starting to make friends and a life for myself in Scotland ” These episodes became more regular, nothing more just more regular. I thought “ok, I’ll do some yoga” – nope that didn’t work. Life got busy and I just brushed it under the carpet before one weekend I was visiting Kyle and out of the blue, and I mean out of the blue, whilst watching him play rugby, that knot returned, the palpitations came, more than before. It would just not shift. Like other times, the symptoms would disappear after a day or so, but this was different ! Trying not to let it ruin my plans I got on with things, but the tightness tightened, my breathing became heavy, my heart beat faster and I was feeling very anxious about flying. (This was a new symptom)
I returned home to Wales and the symptoms still lie there. My mum asked me to take the dog for a walk (something I would do most days ) and for some reason it terrified me. Whilst out walking I became very upset and knew I had to do something about it. So I went home and told my mum I thought I was suffering with anxiety. Now although my Mam wasn’t able to fix it I felt an instant weight lift from the tightness in my stomach and after a good cry felt so so much better. I now didn’t feel alone in this and was going to seek some help.
The following week : the tightness got worse, the palpitations became more regular, I had a severe headache that wouldn’t go unless I slept, and I started to have chest pains. Now I know, that this is my body reacting to ‘fight or flight mode’ but no, I thought I was having a heart attack. The pains in my chest became worse and therefore I spend, with my mum, the next 9 hours waiting in A&E, having blood tests and being examined to be told that there is nothing wrong with my heart and that I had probably suffered with an anxiety attack. I felt terrible that I had wasted the time of the A&E doctors as well as 9 hours of my mam’s time.
Feeling stupidly embarrassed I knew I needed to tackle this head on! I felt stupid for feeling like this ! Why would I be feeling anxious when I have the most amazing trip planned coming up? I have a great support network! I was enjoying my job! I’ve lost all my confidence ! I don’t feel myself !Why ? What was the reason ?
So the following weeks I took it upon myself to really try and sort this. Here are somethings that I felt helped :
– Headspace (meditation) now it’s not for everyone but I feel it is at the tip of my fingers on my phone if I start to feel anxious and after a few failed attempts I began to feel the benefits of taking a few minutes out of my day to focus my mind.
– exercise ! Sweating in the gym really gave me that feel good factor and improved my mood. Even if I only managed 30 minutes !
– talking to family and friends. Opening up to the people you love most and releasing how amazingly supportive everyone is and when sharing your story, realising we have all had our own struggles. I have the most amazing group of friends who are at the end of a what’s app group whenever I need to vent or whatever.
– being honest with yourself . Just admitting and not feeling ashamed of how your feeling. At first I was completely embarrassed about how I feel, and I still today I wonder why I get these feelings, but realising that we are all fighting our own battle and that’s ok.
– podcasts. Listening to podcasts really takes my mind away from the doom and gloom. A favourite of mine is Happy Place by Ferne Cotton.
– CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy ) as time was limited before my trip away, a friend recommended a therapist who had been helping someone close to her. So I just bit the bullet and went for a few sessions. (Which are quite expensive ) Now I’m not sure how much it did help, or weather it did at all, but I was able to just talk, and not be judged and was given some great coping methods .
This has been quite tough for me to write and I am absolutely bricking it to press the ‘publish’ button. As I sit writing this, overlooking the crystal blue sea of Koh Phananag , I worry about having another ‘episode’ of panic, I worry that it will spoil plans, I find it hard to explain to Kyle how I feel when I feel the way I do. And I still get dodgy days, where I wake up and have that tightness in my stomach, where I get the headaches and need to just sleep, where my body feels exhausted from trying not to feel that way, it’s tough!But I know what works for me, and it doesn’t work every time, but even just telling someone (usually Kyle for me) your having a bad day makes things just that little bit better.
Here are some other symptoms I have experienced which might resonate with you :
– Random shooting pains in different parts of the body.
– Not being able to relax or concentrate on anything .
– Earache / migraine
– Feeling unsettled and restless
– Become very thirsty (dry mouth)
Our minds are weird things – and they need to be looked after. And I’ll be honest, I don’t take enough care of it. But I am trying to make things better and I hope that whoever is reading this, if it resonates with you, that maybe like me, you will one day have the confidence to talk and get some help. I thought I was alone in these feelings, but boy was I wrong! I am also here to listen and be there for whoever feels needs that support. We are all human and life is bloody tough sometimes and that’s OK to admit!
Cariad mawr to you all and look after yourselves xx
Travelling The Distance 